This memory was shared with me by one of my personalities that I had no awareness of until she shared it. There is uncertainty if I was in jr. high or early high school when this occurred. I was with Alac and Hannah, my brother and sister-in-law, on a day trip to enjoy the drive to state park and stopped at a large quarry or a lake that was open for swimming. I and my younger part loved to play and swim in the water. I don’t remember if Alac could swim, but it seems he did not stay in water that went beyond his chest often, and he liked to use an air mattress. Hannah only enjoyed getting her feet wet while watching others playing and cooling off in the summer water. After an hour and a half drive, I eagerly exited the vehicle to test for the depth of the water and discovered the floor had a drop-off point, so I looked around and chose items to define my safe perimeter.
Alac and I had been tossing a ball or something back and forth in the water that required me to swim out a little past the drop-off to retrieve the ball. It became fun to retrieve the ball and return just inside the invisible safety line to a standing position to push off the floor for more height to throw it farther to reach his location or a little further back to challenge as he did me. I was so enjoying the game that I forgot to check my visual safe perimeters I had defined. My body came to a standing position in the water just as each time before. Then with my feet together again, they drove down hard to push off the sloped flooring to cause me to shoot above the water with momentum to get quickly to the moving ball.
This time the world got dark and cloudy instead while the sunlight became a dark stormy gray and was darkening. There was quiet all around me, and it felt like an invisible blanket wrapped around my whole body. There was such awe with no thought of what was happening. Soon there seemed to be a reverse, for I could see the dirty gray light above me getting lighter again and a few objects that appeared to be floating quietly around me. With no realization of what was happening, my hand and arm seemed to break through a barrier above me that felt easier to move and a different temperature. My eyes hurt from the bright, piercing light above, and a breeze felt on my face. Just as quickly, the breeze and sunlight were gone, replaced by the dimming dirty light where occasionally something floated around me as if there were an unfelt water current as the murkiness thickened. The awe remained in the darkened silence, with no place for thought. The direction reverted, and with my head still in the same position, I could see the glimpse of dark grayish light advancing to me again. I was still in awe of the invisible, comfortable blanket all over my skin with equal pressure while objects appeared like they were floating by me in effortless movement again. While watching and listening to the still quiet, the hazy gray light began dissipating into a clearer surrounding and brighter light. My hand again entered that other area of the freer, lighter feeling, and my face only touched the surface enough for the nose to feel the gentle warmth of the air and for the sharp sunlight to send pain to the eyes, and it was over. The distance was once again growing from the dimming light as I watched the dense fog-like light darkening, fading away.
Suddenly I was shocked by the pain around my wrist as I felt a hard pull on my arm and pressure on my face. I was moving faster, and something yanked at my other arm, increasing the force of my movement from within my silent blanket. The darkness was changing swiftly from the strange cloudy light to the bright piercing light. The former silence had been replaced with people laughing, yelling, and splashing in the water all around me. Alac was anchored to his air mattress while holding on to me and pulling me past the people still playing in the water as he pulled me to the shore. Hannah watching closely, seemed to be in fear and relief. I had no awareness of what was going on but was in pure awe of the experience. Alac had gotten to me just in time, for I was on my 3rd journey down into the deep when he reached me. There had been nothing within me that told me I was in danger or to have any concern until I felt the sudden tight pull on my wrist. My mind had simply been observing in wonder all that was being experienced in that place.
As a recovering adult from trauma who has gone through much healing from ongoing varying childhood and adult traumas, my inner family has learned some signs of our splitting, the fracturing again that creates another new personality. Not all new parts or personalities present or appear the same at first. Some have been quick learners and adapted well in their first moments and days while others needed a little assistance from other inner family members. This event in my life is an example of how some have first responded with a sort of emptiness that needed a little time to find definitions and adjust. This new part was in that similar place in her first seconds and minutes of awareness of life and responding to her immediate circumstances.
There was enough anxiety and strain in daily conditions of my life that the multiple triggers of the moment and the sudden shock of no floor to touch while sinking deeper had been enough to cause the splitting in that second.