I was sitting here and wishing someone was there I could call. Somehow in the quiet, whether I heard your name soft, empty in me or to me within, no clue. It seems the last few days have taken a toll somehow. I have no memory of them and there is nothing other than my current thoughts. At 10 o’clock I sat down and recorded in the book the time and was still blank, but trying to write something. I started, I got one or two faint pictures for seconds only, and that was it, but I know I wrote words. At 12:20, I decided to close the book and discovered when I looked at the clock, the time it said. So much time had passed. Even as I sit here and try, it is so difficult to remember anything I wrote, to get something.
It’s shocking and fearful realizing this loss, knowing that something is wrong. What can be done in this existence? It’s so discomforting to be in this place, to know that you’re to wait for another voice, another something and it’s not there. Only in the current, in this second of writing a word or of thought, are you able to do or to respond, like a drink to get. But somehow you’re able to reach and get a function, to do something in the quiet isolation, the empty, and void of more.
I feel I am adult. I should be her, the adult of this body but I see the hands touching the screen of the phone, and though I physically feel the touch these are not my hands, a disconnect. I seem present and connected but perhaps I’m not. Tears have rolled down my face in the emotions of writing this. There has to be more than empty solitary void within, and then lose the memory of what occurred recently, in minutes and less. Yet I just got the faint words, “Lord help”. I feel and seem empty and alone while that I should not be, and that I am more than an automated response in a second that loses memory as I write the word.
I won’t expect an answer from you, but I ask the question, am I real, and if so what is this? Do I last? How does one proceed in this? For it seems at this rate, that even if this I’m doing goes anywhere, I probably won’t remember I sent it, and yes, I fight back more tears.
By the way, the earlier statement about the past few days (went back to read about them), they are empty as in not there, never happened, no past. It wants to create question if I am really here in this feel in this moment alone. Am I real?