What to write, what to think, what to feel, what & how to be? Who to be & who am I are the same question. These are of the questions of life, even when we are supposed to have the answers or claim to have them. There are times all these questions are alive; they’re just more often for some than for others. When and what allows us to have the answers for all of life? It seems there is never a real or long-term answer.
What more is there to life than confusion, fear, and pain? How does one get further away and closer to a true, real, lasting, endearing answer? I’m not alone. There are others that feel this pain, this passion, this longing for more, for better, for real, for truth of something better to be past all this hurt and pain, the past, the present. The hope for life – a time for joy that’s real and not a lie or a figment of the imagination, not something to be tempted with and then snatched away pulling more breath of existence from within you again.
I’m not alone in, in the darkness of the pain, the anguish in the darkness, the black coldness surrounding in the emptiness. The air is empty, the space seems empty, but it’s a place of never rest, never lose your guard, for in the cold of the darkness lashes the stings and jabs of pain in the seeming aloneness. Never a warning, never a sound, never a breath, never a shuffle, never anything to question, just the sudden results of the searing pain added to your being again. adding another endless agonizing pain.
Where is life? Where is joy? Where is freedom? No, don’t think of those things. They are lies, deposited in your mind to torment you more, but from within. They are ongoing to create a desire for something you can never have, so to eat away at you within until there is nothing to think of, no thoughts for you have learned your lesson. Exist in this place of unrest where there is no release of constricted muscles to experience the lie of a peace and rest. Exist in this place where one never heals from the inflicted attacks that only compound the wounds still in pain. This is life, there is nothing more. Nothing to hope for, nothing to desire; not death itself. That’s just another lie, a concept put within to torture as well. This is life. You exist in and for pain, for it will attack again in the cold dark of nothing, of the seeming empty.
– From a part of Anna Grace
For those that are not familiar with DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder or the other name of MPD), I will say briefly here that I (the core person) have experienced many events in my childhood even before birth, (please read The Forming Of My Journey) that resulted in the splitting or fragmenting of my mind to handle what was too much to deal with at the time, and to be able to continue in the present. The pain and memories are held in the separated or fragmented parts of me. Each new part that could not handle any more onslaught of too much at the time, would also in essence break off with the wounds and memories up to that point, stored within that section or part. Each split or fragmented part now holds and continues to be, to live outside of the core’s memory separately carrying the person’s collective history. Perhaps it would help to picture a filing cabinet or computer with the different files.
The trouble is that some of the personalities can be in or aware of the present time, in addition to carrying and living out of the past, they formed in. Others are so deep they have no touch with anything other than their own rooted experience locked it that time in history. These parts are rooted like locked in the pain of that time so when something in the present that seems or feels close enough to that old trauma they are still in and grounded to, then they can end up reacting with everything appropriate for that age and that time expressed through our body. Even though I can see and understand correctly from my adult core self, that little part or older will suddenly react to the present-day similarity out of the intensity and overwhelm of the time that one still lives in or out of. Wow!! There is more to be said later. We have lived life trying to keep everything going on within us contained, hidden, unnoticed.
Right now I want you to understand that when I, Anna Grace wrote the words of the first section above, that was not me but a part of me expressing where she is still living out of in this current place in my life more than thirty years ago. She is one of my many parts, the personalities of me that still carry my memories of that time in her of our life. I respect her and am thankful to her for what she has gone through and continues to suffer through until she is healed and she blends back to the core, the adult person now. I so desire and look forward to being whole with my healed, my freed parts as one blended person. For now, they are still living out of old trauma pains emotionally, mentally, physically, and even spiritually.
Many have been healed and blended which allows our life to benefit more each time, even if we don’t notice it in the moment. This journey is a one day, and at times one moment at a time progress. For me, this person in her journey through recovery, we choose to focus on the goal of our healing and what we can do beyond that healing. For now, I am living with my own inner family of individual personalities within, with their different likes and emotions and thoughts including perspectives, as they surface more in daily life, and take their part in daily living our life as Anna Grace. People see one body, one person and we have worked hard to appear as they assume we are for their sake and our own self. We are now in a place to share in this blog. Hope our sharing can help others.