7/18/22 Mon. 9:51am

     There has been the thought, the desire, and even the should write in “our book” and yet the inability to do so. Even now there is not the freedom inside to catch up, to write our recent history or write where we are in what is going on within us. The best to say at this point is:

     the tenseness within, the tight activity underneath in warmth of unwanted heated confusion,

     the flash picture of the quick pull of outer clothing tighter over the shoulders, hands clenched together to the chest while turning the back to not face the ongoing unpleasant feeling within us,

     the negative overwhelm ongoing in the physical rooms of our existence in this life.

    The chest in semi tightness to take breath again seems noticed these last 3½ days if not back to early last week.

    The activity within, in fear, confusion, panic, loss, overwhelm, too much in the go away, for can’t face the torture of chaos, displacement of order, function, and purpose.

     The deep need for space of clarity for thought and breath not invaded by that which tortures our world within like war-torn ones suffering in pain on going, whether struggling to walk or sitting numb, lost to the stare.

     The devastated seeming empty of thought and emotion who must do the occupy to provide for basic functions, needs.

     All still suffering in the wait for ability to do the much needed for clarity of air, of atmosphere and peace of clean clear order seen, so to occupy in body presence, sight, and feel that support and encourage.

     The need (within) for peace, clear empty pathways of thought, feel, and be, so to have chance, opportunity to move and breathe,

     To have freedom and more ability for order of thought and expression free,

     To flow for communication and work to accomplish toward the worth to succeed. Contrary is that which surrounds to ensnare the ankles and slip the feet while attacking the visual while sitting or passing through the space that goes straight to beating, jabbing, and beating of the mind.

     At first feeling the suffering, pure pain, but in the ongoing the fight back is drained, lost to the swollen tightness of the relentless beating of the mind while the pain somehow still exists, present. Through the numbness are still areas in time and place that pain in its substance will surge through like a lashing out, or there is that which starts to rise up in time from the numb to be felt as the sight has been protected some for a time, from the intrusion but suddenly the shift, the glance and seconds of sight gives rise to live (living) pain again.

     Where can sight see and not be affected by that which is ready to grab even the peripheral notice not wanting to let go? Thought and ability to take action, early on becomes impossible in the persistent attack, for too many in the too much are overtaken by that which is seen causing such experience of pain with confusion, disorientation in the over stimulation of the mind, feelings, and emotions continue.

     Finding place and time of some measure as retreat from the harming sight is greatly needed to have breath to breathe, to give place and space for the start of any measure of tension to try to subside. I spent about 2 days of retreat in the corner of my bedroom where the peripheral vision was the least obtrusive and the window in the opposite corner gives place for sunlight, random and patterned movement of the branches and leaves of the trees, and the changing sky scenes flow smoothly by. Much time was spent with the iPad before me like a friend trying to protect and distract the mind as it slowly gained more and more ability to fight the battle to stay awake. It took a day and a half before not being drained of all energy to stay awake in the taxing work to be, to see, to think, in the on slot overwhelm before action and sound of the tv reruns could be faced with no commercials. Oh the thankful for the easy access of the mute or easy reach and close the top (down over the keyboard)to stop it all at once with easy quick simple action.

     The worst area was in the small living room area where at first papers were stepped over to not disrupt the piles or sections and for safety. It became the walking on as part of the floor with nothing within to cause concern. Last night, Sunday with reruns to distract some of the parts that were able to be aware while some others pressed to clean up at least the walking area of papers and two or three boxes (who knows) it seems the first progress was made. It seems other tiny things may have been done earlier yesterday, oh yes I see the small box of garbage papers beyond me on the floor close to the door to take out when can. Someone is showing me the picture of small stack of papers on the floor near the shredder that sat there all day yesterday and seen many times as walking out of the bedroom, that are to be shredded. Praise God for progress and the mind to do it.

     As I sit here on the loveseat typing this my right peripheral vision has continued to fight me as I have continued to be aware and refuse it as priority. But it is challenging me more and more. Oh I get it. When I first sat here I faced more to the patio door with the a feather pillow filling the corner space created by the back and arm joined together. I sit that way with legs up resting as I write or read but after time I slide some, becoming uncomfortable and shift some. My shifting has given sight to the mess on the floor in front of the recliner to my right and the papers that have filled the space on it allowing the increasing difficulty of intensity via more visual disarray as if growing slowly around me. Ooow, the cringe within my body even when thought came to express with words to real, to the experience perceived.

     Praise God I was finally able last Wednesday to call and ask the property manager when the pest control and maintenance check was to be done. I had fear they could be last Thursday or Friday and I had no way of finding the papers for the renewal apartment pre-application to be filled out and others found plus have a clean neat apartment for them to come through the place. No way possible. Relief is that she said it is this Friday which gives us more time to calm enough within to breathe and de-stress to work to finish what is needed. First, is try some sleep, then we need to get out of here, away to help us recover faster and easier to face this again.