8/29/20 & 9/3/20
This is in reference to things being left undone and out of place. Other than the kitchen and dishes which thank God get put back in the kitchen, we have known there is purpose for some mess. (Mess is an area of displaced items, whether for a purpose or not. This mess can result in different levels of anxiety in people and parts.)
The routine of movement is really out of care and respect for others. It’s along the same thing that started about 8 years ago with moving the unread Bible one day from where it had been left on the bed to remind us to read it that day, to the nightstand by the head of the bed at night where it was easily seen and reachable. The next morning the bed was made, and Bible returned to the same spot on the bed to be a reminder after work to read it. The ritual began. It seems the piles and places of mess started as and really still are mostly about that purpose. The repeated daily activity of transferring objects has come in large part out of respect for others that have left unfinished items. We have all started projects and things when we had to leave them for a moment with intent to return and finish them or suddenly another personality switched in leaving the activity unfinished and not returned to its place. Part of doing this is out of experience, understanding, and respect for others. In moving another part’s items to a different spot and then returning them, assures the one who left them can find it as it was left which reduces frustration of things missing, save time being wasted searching for them, serve as a reminder to finish what was started, and help keep more peace within. While there are good reasons for the movement routine, the more piles or areas of things left out mean the more we are negatively affected individually and as a whole inner family. The constant trigger of mess makes us more stressed or sensitive to other triggers as well; and the individual who is moving the thing can be doing so either numbed or frustrated with no ability of choice, only stuck in the movement routine. Clothes on the bed and papers left at end of day will be picked up to keep as is and moved to the desk chair. The next morning they get returned to the bed in the same position and place to be found and dealt with. A pile is for anyone able to clean up.
(9/3/20 after writing this and going back through to check readability, and especially the time with you Friday 8/28/20, we are closer to a place of being able to in a sense reset. It’s like someone with some strength is quietly in the background speaking from a slightly different perspective with care, encouraging patiently a course of action to help lessen the load of constant daily anxiety we carry in the routine of movement. There also seems to be a second voice of concern that we listen and not take too long to react to what this part, this new perspective voice is saying to the inner family, so she doesn’t get lost in the overwhelm too. We need her in the reset of the movement of things to all things being put away the best we can, to erase the current saved routine to allow other things the Lord might have her help with. Once we are able to do it this reset should free us up mentally and emotionally from the current bondage that came out of good purpose.)
Before you and I first met, I was desiring and praying for a nice table and chairs for meals. After moving here someone gave me their old table and chairs. It seems a year now that the sewing machine, material, and some related things have been “waiting” at one portion of the table to for me to complete it and move to the next sewing project. A section next it on the table has 2 books, note paper and supplies waiting to complete the study. On the far side of the round table are some things we see could be arranged 2-3 different ways on the wall and are stuck waiting for an answer before putting them on the wall. The last space left on the table was reserved for us to sit to eat and hoped the crowdedness would serve to encourage us to get the other projects done so to eat in peace and open space. One day that area became a universal catch all of some papers by accident. Someone needed a place to put something quickly and utilized the available space. The very thing we prayed years for and were overjoyed about finally having that place to sit and eat in peace, space, and comfort, is now a constant quiet weighted pull like tearing inside as the longing to enjoy it’s real purpose continues to be an eye sore to us. Though there are organized sections of purpose on the table, the whole area looks a mess and robs peace and rest for chaos, more guilt, shame, plus fear that someone could come by and see my mess. Truth is there is now a container of papers that need attention and of course my deep triggers there don’t help things. That large open corner section of the room, now a cluttered mess is a constant reminder of things waiting to be done via the only passage from the bedroom and bathroom to the living room and kitchen. We long for the invisible wall of inability to be broken or passed through to experience accomplishment, the joy of fulfillment to once again see a clear clean table to sit, to eat, and to stand ready once again to welcome others to one day share in its place of nourishment and welcomed communication.
The painting I showed you months ago with the tree that has just a little bit more to finish and I knew was for someone but could not approach it to finish that bit of work. About a year later we knew that it was to be sent to you. November will be three years I’ve been here, and the painting is still sitting in its place in clear corner in my bedroom easily seen from anywhere in the room to remind me to finish it and get it to you. As much as we’ve wanted to get it to you a year ago and since, we have not been able to touch it with a paint brush to do that little bit of work and be done, free of the responsibility we placed on ourselves in mentioning it to you. It would also be a release of the emotions of guilt and shame of telling and showing you, frustration for being stuck, self-anger for taking so long to get it to you finished and still not being able to yet. (By the way, the other day we had a thought, and it seems part of the issue is fear. It was done one night and since then we’ve been waiting for the original one to be able to come back and finish it, like in the writings we do. But there is a fear we’re now hearing from one in the somewhat distant quiet about perfect, not making a mistake, goofing, and not messing it up too much for repair. IF this is the original one that did the painting, the creative state of doing is overpowered by fear of ruining what has been accomplished. Perfection is not an attainable goal in art but the peace of satisfaction within that the presentation needs to be enough, the message has been said, expressed, conveyed sufficiently, and is therefore done. Fear must not be allowed to starve or threaten the fulfillment of expression, of voice whether by ink, paint, cloth, or whatever the medium.)
The problem is that these constant irritations in essence became an almost overwhelming, debilitating thing which creates more anxiety, numbing, etc. in the stuck and need to correct it. We are predominately if not completely an organized family, meaning that depending on what it is, a few things out of place at a time can be tolerable for a short time and not ill affect our peace very much for a time. We like to clean up as we do things in the kitchen and get the dishes and counters clean, only leaving clean dishes to dry in the drain. Things in the apartment had their place and were put back so all knew where things were and for clean space to breath and allow more peace within for all. We have all known through the years of this life we need and appreciate clean, neat, space, surroundings because we are sensitive to disorganization, uncleanliness, along with types of sounds, volumes, and the list goes on.It is since I had the problem with the last group of people and my parts were so deeply damaged followed by the seemed polite desertion by the very ones that wanted and encouraged me for a year to come here and they would be able to continue to have time for me even though busy. Since that time more parts took a nosedive wanting life to be over. Lord help!
(The one who wrote 95% of this just sat and did it with little thought, but a switch came, and she left 6 days ago. Following through now to smooth it out for reading and adding the last sentences, connected me with parts still in deep hurt from what happened via those we felt deserted by. Not only did we separate from that group quietly, but we isolated from all avoidable risk of more pain from other people, for too many parts the pain was so deep (tears) from the compounded events through to that time. Now the time since April 2020 with all the societal things going on with the pandemic with public masks and physical distancing fears and stresses of people everywhere has added more weight, more difficulty on us to deal with going to the store, etc. especially those deeply wounded parts.)