5/5/22
This may sound unbelievable. It is very real. I’ve been sitting here with tears off and on slowly falling for I’m guessing maybe 20 minutes while my mind has been trying to get through to organized unblocked thoughts and the mix of emotions to orientate. I want so much to call and talk with someone to help adjust to what is difficult to accept again while it seems like a grieving as well, of this another loss of years of my life again. Who isn’t busy in their own day to hear me and help in the moment and not think lite of it and laugh off where I am and how I feel? For me it is a loss again and though it is not 10 years like the first time, realizing you have lost months or even more years in a loss of time, precious time to accomplish, to want to have something beneficial done with your life for others where your life has been worthwhile and not a waste out there somewhere. As I tried to think back, all that was coming was a faint whisper from another within and their shared faint picture of a young dog short time, well liked with sentiment. Seems there was a hurting with it somewhere and seems still is. There are also faint pictures coming of visits with a man Jonam by the lake with birds and trees. Further still there is the knowing of times, calls with Mathew still happening.
Someone was working on a blog post and texted Pat earlier concerning it. The pages are still open here before me. What has happened and is this real? My head has started hurting while I’ve been reaching for information but I have none of my own in that time. Has the surprise taken my memories? I knew my age and thought maybe add 4-6 months. I did the math 3 times, and it says to add almost 2 more years to that. Another was doing numbers of years for something and somehow, I was sitting here in the process of the last calculation, life just got a little shorter for me, another loss. Alone, fear, confusion, have to accept and proceed from here, this place in time, in life.
Deep occasional breaths, tears; look to and reach, move closer to Him for support, trust Him, move ahead close to His side, His voice, and for those times to see His face, His eyes speak to me. I cannot walk without Him, He who is my source and resource. He is able to redeem all time that is needed. He is able to redeem, to supply, to create, the source for every need in good time. Lord help me, work in me to rely on, rest in, and receive only from You, sensitive to Your heart and voice to deeper flow in obedience with You, and to see from Your perspective. This is not about loss but trusting You in the 3Rs You gave me in the past to continue discovery with You, to rely on, rest in, and receive from You. This little residual pain centered in me is my call to look to and Praise You for who You are.
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